The Size of Our Heart

God is transforming me into a person who is allowing her tears to fill her eyes. 

Every tear tells God I will trust in Him with zero understanding of what is happening in me, but that He will never abandon me.

I was taught to always be strong. Crying is bad. I am not a bad person. It is for the weak. 

So, when my husband left to work abroad for a month, I was fighting every ounce of my core to not let any tears fall. I have to be strong for the family. They can’t see me like this. 

I was running around like a chicken without a head; in other words, my to-do list was my coping mechanism. 

God stopped all of this. The tears pour. The confessions came out. 

“I can’t do this, I can’t parent alone.”

 God points out, “You mean you’re afraid to ask for help.” 

“How am I going to fill my cup?” 

God points out, “You mean you are afraid to get fat. You’re still struggling with your body image.” 

“I need to find more time for work. I need to make sure my colleague knows I am working.” 

God points out, “You mean you are doing more to make sure you are seen.”   

Finally, God points out, “Your identity relies on the opinion of others.”

He’s right — most days, as a mother and co-founder of a company, we do things no one sees. 

The mundane tasks we do every day seem so small and insignificant. 

The days can feel overwhelmed by the underwhelming.

As I stopped crying and opened my eyes, my 2-year-old daughter sat there with a tissue and patted my eyes with it - “I love you, mama,” she said. 

For the first time, the tears become huge reminders that God has blessed me with this challenging season of life.

In these hard moments, He sustains me and has equipped me to mother my daughter. 

I do not need to find glory from people at my work, nor do I need to care about the size of my waist. I need to care about the size of my heart. My heart needs to be able to hold all of the love for my family. The family He has entrusted me with.